1/19 Bachelor Recap

Disclaimer: My daughter was being difficult last night so I missed a good chunk of the details of the show, so here's my reader's digest version recap.

After last night's episode I have a new favorite and a new "ugh":
Fave: Whitney and her squeaky voice.
Ugh: Ashley I. aka "Walmart Kardashian"
Last night started off with Jimmy Kimmel as the guest host and to bring some liveliness to the bunch. He had an 'amazing' jar where everyone had to put $1 in the jar every time they said the word 'amazing'. I'd be willing to bet you could pay off quite a few of their student loans or plastic surgery bills- whatever- if instead they put $1 in the jar every time someone used the word 'literally' in the wrong context.
 Kaitlyn gets the one-on-one date where they go to Costco and she continues to be a try-hard. Their task was to buy food for a dinner with Jimmy K for that night. Kaitlyn tries to show how spontaneous she is by climbing into a large blue ball and Chris 'omg! can't believe how crazy and spontaneous she is'.
Three kids roll them down the aisle which was totally not planned by producers or bribed in anyway I'm sure. Chris and Kaitlyn awkwardly kiss in the blue ball but something tells me that isn't the last we'll see of any blue balls this season.

Back at Chris' house Kaitlyn tells Chris that he laughs like a girl and I think
a) Whoa, he totally does. (The rest of the show and probably season, I cringe at his giggle)
b) Whoa, not a way to get a dude by manning him down on national television.

They make dinner for Kimmel and thank God he's there because the sparks between these two are nil. They kiss with about as much passion as I do when I kiss my daughter's teddy bear goodnight with her. I don't see Kaitlyn lasting long because she just seems too cool for Chris. In her mind, not mine.

Farmer Giggle Pants takes the girls on a group date where they have to perform a series of farmer-like-Olympic tasks to prove they could make it on his Iowan farm.

The girls had to catch a greased up pig, shuck corn, milk a goat and then DRINK THE DAMN GOATS MILK!

I am vomiting in my mouth right now as I type this.
After the girls milked the goat, they then had to drink the warm, unpasteurized goat's milk. If I were a contestant on the show I'd respectfully bow out and sign up for e-harmony at that point.
Hell no.

The carnival cruise ship singer won. Other than a blue ribbon, I honestly can't remember what it is she won. Or her name.

Moving on.

Whitney had the second one-on-one date and she quickly moved into my #1 spot. Chris asked her how spontaneous she was and she had to pretend she did crazy stuff all the time- like crash weddings. Chris and Whitney "crashed" this wedding (do some googling and you'll see that too, like everything else, was set up) and they were actually very cute together. My face went

when Whitney said Chris was a good dancer. She said he could do things like, "the shopping cart and the lawnmower". I honestly can't tell if she was being serious but she does seem like the type of girl who still thinks the cupid shuffle is cool.

So then they showed the obligatory 'Chris showering outside' scene they've shown in every single episode this season.

You know, cause he's a farmer... and obviously farmers shower outside.... right? I'd bet the farm that he showers indoors just like everyone else.

Jimmy tells everyone there won't be a cocktail party and instead it'll be a pool party. Walmart Kardashian is bummed because she wanted to do her 'Kardashian look'. She actually said that.

Hulk Hogan Jillian hangs out with Chris in the hot tub and Walmart Kardashian, Vegetable Mom, and another gal stalk them and won't leave. Vegetable Mom especially gives me 'little sister who won't go away' vibes. Jillian is all "stay in your lane" to the girls and WK runs away crying because Jillian won't leave. She then cry-laughs to Chris before eating his face aggressively with a kiss. For whatever reason, I'm sure because she's bat shit crackers crazy, Chris keeps her on for another week. I know I'm being rude but I just don't enjoy her face. Or her personality. Or anything about her.

 Bedtime for the baby so I don't know what happened after this other than a few girls went home who I honestly had no idea who they were. My favorite part of the episode had to be Kimmel telling Chris before the rose ceremony to "not be yourself, be somebody who's better at making speeches."

This week ends with Kimmel crying in the limo because they spent "four wonderful days together"
Snort laugh.

No comments

SMD Favorites