The Bachelor Episode 1 Recap

Finally! An attractive Bachelor. I wasn't a fan of Chris or Sean but Ben is a cutie for sure. 

So we meet Ben and his hometown and his parents where he says he's "unlovable" Yea, okay. 

Here, hang on, let me remind you what he looks like

Pish Posh. 

Naturally Ben's parents are sweet and wonderful, hey, they're midwestern! What can I say? 

So now let's meet the crazies ladies. 

To start we meet the first of many Laurens. She's a flight attendant, cute, young, and she's blond. Of course she fits the bill for one of the gals going far in this one. 

Caila is cute but she's crazy because she broke up with her boyfriend after seeing Ben on Kaitlyn's season. Is she serious?  She gives me Catherine from Sean's season vibes so I'm going to call her Catherine II.

See?


Jubilee is an army gal and scares me.




But not as much as Mandy scares me. 


She's weird and she's a dentist. She shows up with a giant fucking rose hat on her head and gives Ben a dental exam.  And she STILL gets a damn rose! Huh? 


Try and tell me that's the face of a normal person. Try. 

So then Mary-Kate and Ashley show up and talk in unison and it's just as annoying as it sounds. 


Thank God they don't have rhyming names. 

Wait, is their JOB listed as "twins"? Yep. Yep it is. 



If they don't pull a Tia and Tamera and do a swap on Ben with sitcom like music and audience laughter, I quit. 

Now we meet the Mom of the group, Amanda who has not just one but TWO children. Her kids are the distance in age as mine are but my body looks nothing like hers so I hate her already. 

She's a mom so she's obviously making it to top 10. 

Now we meet Tiara, a "chicken enthusiast" 


Is that a thing? 




Cause then.... 



Samantha is a lawyer who lost her father to ALS. She'll go far with her story.  I know that sounds insensitive but there's always a sad story, just like there's always a crazy one, a mean one, a mom one, etc. 

So now the gals show up to the perpetually wet driveway to meet Ben.


I'd be pissed spending a shit load of money on a dress only to have to drag it across that wet driveway. 

Alright 1st limo:

Lauren B. or H. or M. or any other letter of the alphabet. They're both nervous and she gave him some flying wings. 

Catherine II ran to Ben and jumped in his arms. 


I would've ran up and straddled him, dress and all, but that's jus' me.  #GuaranteedARose

Jennifer is next and is already super forgettable.

Jami the Bartender is also nervous. Don't you dare play "drink every time someone says nervous" like my friend and I did or you'll have a wicked Chardonnay head ache and have to write your recap on Thursday instead of a Tuesday. 
Jami knows Kaitlyn! She told her that Ben has a really really really big ..... heart.



Samantha the lawyer came out next and said that she found out on her way over that she passed the BAR exams. Which is actually really good for her so 


Then Army Jubilee came out with a stupid pickup line and whatever. She won't make it far.

TBH I would suck at introducing myself. I do suck at introducing myself. I'm too awkward for TV and hot guys and talking about me.
"Hi, I'm Teri. You're cute. Oh no, now I'm sweaty. I can't cook and yes, my lips are shaking. That happens when I'm intimidated. I need a drink or 9 before I can talk to you and inevitably mess it all up by barfing in a flower plant" Then I'd walk into the house for the free booze until he sends me home.
Thank God I'm married. 

Amanda the Mom came out next and squeakily told Ben she can't wait to meet him. But you just did... Amanda needs to lower her octave a bit because the high pitched voice is cringe-worthy. I get that she has two little kids but so do I and I manage to maintain my monotone-Kourtney-Kardashian-esque-voice.

Uh oh. Lace. The villain! 


It's Lace. Not Lacey as I drunkenly kept calling her. 

So she kisses him first and everyone hates her. And I love her



Another Lauren comes out of the limo and Ben says she's gorgeous but can't remember her name. Just call everyone Lauren. 

Then Shushy came out: 

Actual name is Shushanna but in my notes it says "Shushy" from that evening. She doesn't speak English. 

Alright, another limo.

Leah the event planner huts a ball at Ben.  No really. 


So I instantly love her. 

Up next is some psycho in a unicorn mask. No really.


Her name is JoJo or Joelle. Or Desperate. I can't remember.  I only wish she would've kept it on all season and only revealed her face at the end. Now THAT'S a show. 

Another Lauren comes out and she tosses a bouquet she caught to Ben. 
If you're losing count with the number of Laurens thus far you're not alone. I believe we're at 3. 

Then we meet Emma Stone and Amy Adams' love child: 


I like her hair. There, I was nice.

Oh Jesus Bagel Eating Christ. Here's Mandy the flower head dentist psycho. 


Being nice doesn't last long with me. 

The TwinTestants came out next. 

Side bar: I used to obsess over MK & A and to this day can still tell who is who, even before they ruined their faces. If we can learn anything from Mary Kate it's that smoking is TERRIBLE for your face. 


Is anyone else getting creepy Shannon Twins vibes? Those twins that dated Hugh Hefner at the same time. 

So now some chick rolls up with a horse. I don't know her name but her adorable pony's name is Huey. Give him a rose! 

The girl who hates gluten came out next and beat the ground with some bread. 


See? I'm not lying. At this point we see Ben thinking "WTF did I get myself into?" 
She did this because "gluten in Satan" um, buh-scuze me but have you ever had garlic toast??? 

Izzy came out in a onesie to see if "he was the onesie" for him. It was this moment I wished the twins were in PJs because....














Right?

So then Rachel comes out on a hover board and the mom in me was praying she didn't fall on her face or flat on her back like Rich did. 


A nice, normal girl finally comes out after hover board so naturally she's forgettable. 

Tiara the chicken lady arrives and is nervous (DRINK!) She didn't tell him about the chickens yet. Smart.

The final Lauren appears and is just like the other 3 Laurens. 

Jackie a Gerontologist comes next. I had to google Gerontologist and she studies aging or something. She gives him a god damn SAVE THE DATE CARD with their names on it. 


Okay so now we meet my favorite, Olivia. Not just because I obviously love her name but she's gorgeous and normal. Before the show even started I scrolled through the pics of the contestants and she popped out immediately.


BUT! Chris Harrison hints she may be there for publicity so who knows. I bet she'll make it far and be a good chunk of drama for us. 


So now as if Ben wasn't adorable enough, he calls his mom and dad after meeting the ladies! 


Alright so Ben thinks everyone is here and goes in to mingle with the ladies. As the gals are pulling Ben here and there, Becca and Amber show up!

I know you know Becca. Nobody remembers Amber. Not me. Not You. Probably not even Chris Harrison.  Amber doesn't remember Amber.



The girls walk in the house and the other contestants are all:




Lace is drunk she goes to kiss Ben again. Get it girl. Then Ben says she's gorgeous but naw. Mandy stole Ben from Lace and Lace mutters "that bitch" as Ben was pulled away. Lace continues to talk shit about Mandy calling her white trash and that she's terrible. She keeps drinking and starts stuttering.

Ben came looking for Lace and this is probably the part where Lace wishes she wasn't so drunk.  He basically says don't be so horny and don't keep trying to kiss me. Now I can't stop staring at the fact that she talks with her teeth closed. How do you do that?

Harrison brings the first impression rose out and everyone acts as if they had no idea it was coming. They're "gonna cry" and "freaking out"  and "can't breathe"
Wut?

Ben picks Olivia as the recipient of the first impression rose and she says she "is deserving" and "humble" in the same sentence. Someone get this gal a dictionary.

Harrison pulls Ben away and says it's time to choose.
Everyone gets roses except for:

Breanne
Izzy (onesie girl)
Jessica
Laura (Emma Stone)
Lauren R.
Meagan (The one with the horsey)
Tiara (chicken girl)

That. Just. Happened.

So Lace gets a rose and she pulls Ben away saying he 'didn't even look at her once'. She got a damn rose! Ben and all of us were all:


What do you think?
Who do you like?
Who can't you stand?
Who do you love to hate? 

7 comments

  1. Awesome recap!!! I loved the GIFs. :-) Ok, I hate the twins because they look EXACTLY like my husbands really crazy ex he dated right before me.. so... nope. Can't do the twins. I like Olivia because she's gorgeous and she has some shit up her sleeve... and I like Lauren B the flight attendant just because I loved her dress and she seemed refreshing and normal. This is going to be an AWESOME season. Spoiler.. I bet he falls in love and doesn't feel un-loveable anymore! Call me crazy.. but...it *might* happen!

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    1. No, no, no, no, your recaps are way way better

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  2. So funny you have this because ive just been posting how i haven't seen anything and literally laughed out loud reading your recap of the episode! thanks girl for the laugh! So glad I came across your blog in the linkup! I can't wait to get to know you and your blogging journey better this year! Hope you'll stop by mine as well!

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    Replies
    1. Obviously, I've already visited you multiple times. Thanks for stopping by!

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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