The Bachelor: Episode 2 Recap. Alternatively Titled: Olivia's Gaping Mouth


Olivia is still in my Bachelor Fantasy League and I see her making it far then screwing everything up and not winning. She is no longer my favorite: That title now goes to Amanda, the mom. I cringe when she's on the TV and am sick of seeing her fucking tonsils.  OMG close your mouth. 

This'll be a quick recap and probably not so funny because I'm sick as shit and watched the episode last night like this

'So why even do a post?' you ask? Because I have two toddlers who hate sleep and I'm posted up on the couch just making sure they don't hurt themselves and stay alive until it's bed time. 

Let's do this. 

The first group date went to Jackie, Lace, Jubilee, Becca, Mandy, Amber, Lauren H, LB, JoJo, and Jennifer. 

It's still too early for me in the season to remember who these girls are so in other words: ? , The drunk mean crazy one, Army gal, Becca (the next Bachelorette I'm guessing), crazy dentist, the one who came back who isn't Becca, kindergarten teacher, I dunno, unicorn mask girl, and I don't know.

They went to High School to compete in a number of games such as building a love volcano (wut?), putting Indiana on a map (I'd lose too), bobbing for apples, basketball and finally a track and field run off for a tie breaker between Amber and Mandy. 

Seems right to me. 

So Mandy and Amber have to run through hurdles and this determines who is the 'Homecoming Queen' and get to have a little private time with Ben.

Can we just talk about how Mandy doesn't even have SHOES on?! 

Mandy wins and ugly cries about how she's never been Homecoming Queen

Their alone time didn't work because she was eliminated at the world's longest rose ceremony. 

They all went out after and Lace was like this the entire time

Pouting that she screwed up the first night (ya did!) and that she needed time with Ben to explain herself. She had one on one time with him more than almost anyone else and was delusional in thinking they had chemistry. 

She said they were "practically eye fucking" even though Ben was mostly all 

Ben pulled JoJo (unicorn mask) away from the group and told her he loved her "bubbliness" and I started to like her too. See? Told you things change quickly. 

Jennifer??? Got the rose. I don't know. I must've fallen asleep. 

Olivia, Sam, Shushy (who now speaks English), Amanda, and the twins got the next group date to Dr. Love.  They were going to find out how much chemistry they all had with Ben.

The twins said, QUOTE!!  "I'm not a science person. I'm not very smart." 

They stripped down to their underwear to perform a number of science tests. Really??? Really. 

The girls did eye tests to see what attracted them (diamonds or babies, Ben or another guy, etc.) But the grossest one was a 'sniff' test to see if Ben was attracted to their scent. After running on a treadmill. 

He said they all smelled 'sweet' like 'flowers' or 'fresh'.

Except for Sam.

He said she smelled "sour". How mortifying

Not only that, but he sent her home. Musta been baaaaaad. To be fair if he smelled me after running I'd probably smell like bean burritos and pinot grigio. 

Amanda told Ben about her two kids and he was actually really excited and made me fall in love with him even more. She talked about how much she missed them and if I had working tear ducts I probably would have shed a tear or two.  (sick, remember?) 

As perfect as their conversation was, the rose went to..... Olivia. 

Alright so then Cailyn, aka: Nicholas Sparks Novel Girl gets the first 1 on 1. She's sweet, but a little too sweet. She can't stop talking about fate and love and jumped into his arms upon first meeting but I think her head is a little TOO in the clouds. 

Ice Cube and Kevin Hart came with on their date which pissed me off because I love them and she probably doesn't even know who they are! 

Kevin was obviously hilarious as he took the couple on the world's cheapest date to a liquor store, side-of-the-highway flowers, and finally to a hot tub store. 

So then they went to dinner and Ben was all "Want this rose?" Which she probably heard as "Cailyn, my love, it would kill me to not have you in my life. You're beautiful and this is fate. Now come here and kiss me and don't break my heart by not accepting this rose of my love"

So then they went to a private place and were serenaded by Amos Lee

Alright. I'm stopping. I'm bored out of my mind.

Rose Ceremony Time

Otherwise known as Lace and Olivia time. 

Olivia had a rose yet still needed time with him. Then she called herself his wifey and they should just end the show. If you need my eyes they're rolled to the back of my head. 

Lace wanted to prove she wasn't crazy by telling Ben that she's "hard to handle and working on a part of herself but she's NOT crazy." At this point Rich was in the living room and said, "No guy wants to hear that...." 

SOMEHOW Lace gets a rose. To be fair, LB quit the show. The cameras were too much for her to handle. 

So what do they do? Chase after her as she pulls Ben away to say this. 

Sent home: 

Mandy (crazy dentist), Sam (the stinky one), and Jackie (no idea who she is). 
Alright, I'm going to sleep now while my kids binge watch Sofia the First and Mickey Mouse ClubHouse. 

Hot Dog. 

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