Not So Nursery Tales

My kids have hundreds of books. Hundreds. A few have made it out of that "eat the pages of the book" stage but most, have not. I've rounded up some nursery tales that you probably shouldn't read your little dumplings but you and your spouse will get a kick out of because it's too real for all of us at times. 

| Go The Fuck To Sleep | 

Don't tell me I'm all alone in wanting to shout this at your little restless bundles of energy. Wanting. Not actually doing. I'm not a total monster. If I could trade their night time energy with my morning energy the world, or at least my home, would be a much more peaceful place. 

{ The wind whispers soft through the grass hon.
The field mice they make not a peep.
It's been thirty eight minutes now.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Go to sleep. } 

| Nobody Likes a CockBlock | 

It's been awhile... (sing it Stained!) Thank God for locked doors.

{ The stars are out. It's dark outside.
I can see that there's sleep in your eyes. 

Stay warm in your bed.
On our door do not knock.
Because nobody likes a cockblock.

The train's leaving the station. It's about to go down.
My ticket is stamped, for a trip to pound town. 

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock.
Because nobody likes a cockblock.

I love Mommy so much, she's my favorite cutie.
But tonight, I would like a piece of that booty.

Don't ask for milk, or help with your sock.
Because nobody likes a cockblock. } 

| Seriously, You Have To Eat |

They beg and whine and yell that they want pancakes but when you give it to them (their favorite food by the way) suddenly they act like you're serving up a hot plate of dog s*it to them. On the wrong colored plate, might I add. Fine, here's some toast. *Gives pancakes to younger sibling* Suddenly they want the pancakes because their sibling just ate the very last serving. 
*Face Palm* 

{ The sunrise is golden and lovely,
The birds chirp and twitter and tweet. 

You woke me up and asked for breakfast,
So why the fuck won't you eat? } 

| Shitty Mom |

Not so much a nursery tale but a book I plan on picking up because of chapters such as: 

How to drop your kid off at daycare sick before the teacher notices

When seeing an infant triggers a mental illness that makes you want another baby

Selfish and suicidal: babies try to kill themselves 24 hours a day

| The Honest Toddler |

I've loved their Instagram account for awhile now. The Honest Toddler is the Child's Guide to Parenting. No excerpts, just some screen shots of their best posts: 

I swear to God, my 2.5 year old must have wrote that last one. #AnythingForGoldFish #AnyThing


  1. Omg! These books seem hilarious! I almost ordered The Honest Toddler book last night, but instead ordered Toddlers Are A**holes. Great post-love the humor! Parenting at its finest #love
    Kate :: A Little NW Charm

  2. OMG I need that Shitty Mom book!!! I may or may not have dropped my kid off at daycare a little sick many times before saying things like "don't be telling everyone you had a tummy ache this morning!!!!!" threatening my kids has worked well for the most part. Ha.

  3. You kill me. I need all of these books for gifts to friends who are currently expecting.


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