The Bachelor Finale Recap

Lauren or JoJo? Remember when Lauren's dad called her LoLo? Aren't we glad we didn't go through a season with a LoLo and a JoJo? 

We're reminded that Ben is fucked because he told both girls he loves them. 

ABC: Get ready for the dramatic 3 hour finale
Rich: 3 hours!?? What the fuck? 
{After telling him this is like the Super Bowl for me and to entertain Olivia while it's on} 
Me: Told ya, it' like the Super Bowl. Except I'm drinking alone. 

Ben sits on a tree stump and doesn't know what he's going to do. He told both women he loves them and is afraid of making a mistake. This is exactly what I do when I have to choose between white or red wine for the night: sit on a tree stump and make a pros and cons list of each. I love them both, but how on earth can I choose just one?  Ultimately I have to choose one. Have to. I always end up feeling guilty. No matter what. 

The gals are meeting Ben's parents and I have more anxiety for this than I have had in my entire life. Pass the Xanax. And red. Spoiler alert: I chose red for the finale. 

Lauren is first and adorable as always. Ben is clearly obsessed with her and I started thinking "JoJo who?" 

She sits down with Dad and has more tact than I ever would. Meeting parents? With cameras around? Excuse me while I go vomit. Then she sits down with Mom. Excuse me while I go shit my pants. Parents + Teri = Hell Nah. 

Lauren leaves confident and I'm feeling bold in making a puffy paint "Team Lauren" shirt. 

{Commercial time}
Me: Riiiiiiiiich!!! Where's my hummus! I need a snack!
Rich: You ate it last week. 

*** I'm a stress eater ***

During this commercial Rich also told me about how he overheard a girl at the store today talking about her Bachelor watching finale party and that the girls get a rose when they walk in the door and they make pizza in a rose shape. It was during this commercial that I realized I need more girlfriends as I drank alone and ate cheese-its straight from the box.

JoJo comes to meet the Fockers next carrying a damn conch. What?? I mean, A for creativity but her nervousness to Mom and Dad was cute. I get an immediate vibe that Mom is Team JoJo because she's being so vulnerable.  

Alright so at this point JoJo is just too cute with Mom and Dad so I start crumpling my puffy paint tee and start a Team JoJo shirt. {This is obvious sarcasm. No shirts were involved however, the wine and cheese-its all alone were very very real} 

Ben's parents are clearly in love with JoJo and I'm now questioning Ben's feelings and getting mad with him because I'm now Team JoJo and haven't felt this confused since sitting on that tree stump trying to pick red or white. 

Harrison tells us that the pastor is there and pans to JoJo's parents who look like they're at a funeral, AND HER BROTHERS AREN'T THERE! Immediately that tells me JoJo is doomed. 
Then pans to Lauren's entire family who is happy.
Now I'm semi-upset and confused and need more Cheez-its. And wine. Lotso wine. 

Harrison says this may be the first "After the Rose Ceremony Wedding" and I swear to God if he's messing with me I will write a STRONGLY worded letter to ABC for getting my hopes up. But my to-do list is incredibly long so lucky for them that probably won't happen.  It'd probably be too ragey to read anyhow

Lauren and Ben have a date and say I love you I love you I love you x's 100. 
Ben's only bugaboo is that it's too good to be true with Lauren. Well that's what happens when producers plan your dates and everything is paradise and no fights. 

Rich and I had a date in a hot tub once. We split a Totinos and a 6 pack while watching Dumb and Dumber. Honestly, one of our best dates ever.  Seriously, that happened, and seriously awesome. 

Lauren tells Ben she really really really super loves him and I believe her and am back to Team Lauren. Damn you conniving producers. 

JoJo's turn. I'm simultaneously cursing at my tv telling Ben he better not break her heart while hoping he does so that she's our next Bachelorette. No Caila. No Caila. Ever. Ever. Unless she gives us her hair secrets.

Seriously tho...

I don't like the gal but day-um that hair is perfection. 

Back to the Lo Lo Jo Jo Show

Ben and JoJo have a bathroom breakdown together where we kept hearing I love you I love you I love you and now I'm just so over Ben. 

Ben eventually breaks JoJo's heart but we're all cool with it because she's announced as the next Bachelorette! 


Congrats to Ben and Lauren. May you have fun in your 15 minutes of fame as the boring-est couple ever. 

Dear ABC, can we pleeeeasseeeee give Ashley I a shot at Bachelorette. You know that would be pure gold. 

Pretty pretty please? 


  1. OMG I'll come eat Cheez-Its with you!!!! I loved this... the part about sitting on the stump had me cracking up!!!

  2. This was hilarious too! And I stress eat during the bachelor! And those red vs white wine struggles are SO real!!


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