Ten on Tuesday: #BadMom

This Ten on Tuesday (join the linkup) I will be sharing the 10 #BadMom moments I've had in honor of the trailer for Bad Moms coming out today. Click here for the trailer. 


Don't you dare tell me you're a perfect mom. That shit is obnoxious. The moms I relate most to can't wait for bedtime, love their wine, live off of coffee, sometimes let their kids have crackers for dinner because they don't want to deal with the battle, and love their little booger-factories like no other. 

Here are my 10 #BadMom moments

1. That time I went to the bar and bought a drink and put my credit card in my bra because my dress didn't have pockets. There was something in my way ---- a pacifier. I pulled it out right in front of the bartender and gave him this face 


The unexpected accessory I brought on my night out
2. Bribed my children with sugar to keep them in the g*d d*mn grocery cart. "No donuts unless you sit down" "No cake pop unless you stop whining/asking for toys/touching everything down the aisle". 
I've also given up on the screaming and gave them extra dessert when they SO DON'T deserve it.


Sidebar: Who else is in love with "The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmitt"?? love this show. Almost through season 2. 

3. I swear, often. Which means my daughter sometimes does. She's now moved on to tattling on me.
{Rich gets home from work}
Olivia: Mama said a bad word.
Rich: What did she say? 
Me: ..... shoots her a WTF face .... 
Olivia: fucking
Rich: .... shoots me a WTF face .....
Olivia: And damn it



4.  "Accidentally" throw away annoying or tiny toys. If I break the bottom of my foot on it **cough cough, Liam's tiny dinosaurs all over the house ** they might end up in the trash can. Olivia's 1,393 Princess cards? She won't notice if a few hundred go missing. 

5. Used my kids as an excuse. I've lied to friends (sorry guys! but I'm sure you've done it too) because I wanted to stay home with no makeup on, binge watch my shitty shows, fart freely, and drink without conversation. 
"Sorry, can't go out. Liam is throwing up."
"Sorry, Olivia is just TOOOOOO crabby today." 
I probably have a friend reading this who actually has one of these texts in her phone from me right now. 

Me when they fall for it and the kids are in bed and the husband is gone: 


6. Pretended I didn't smell a poopy diaper so my husband would do it. 

7. Forgotten to buckle the baby in the car seat. I was leaving an event with the kids who were beyond crabby. Liam was in his car seat in the stroller when he was much younger; he wasn't buckled into his car seat because he was just laying there most of the day. I snapped the car seat in, ran to Olivia's side, buckled her in and sped home. When I got home and got the kids inside I went to get Liam out of the car seat ---- he was unbuckled the entire time. 

Big oops.

8. Yell. I always feel bad afterward and some days I go to bed wondering if I yelled too much at them then I feel bad. I lose my cool on them sometimes and yell at the both of them causing one or both to cry. Then I feel worse. Then I feel like I suck as a mom. 

9. Olivia has over 20 pairs of underwear so I can go longer without having to wash their clothes. I hate washing kids clothes, they're tiny so you can fit more in the washer so you have more to do and put away. Since Rich never touches the laundry I strategically do their laundry once every two weeks ----- or longer. 

10. Here's a doozy. Don't read if you can't handle gross. 


You've been warned.

I went down to the kids' playroom (which I NEVER pick up or clean because that's their designated "make a mess" spot) one day and saw a small brown thing on the carpet in the corner. I honestly didn't know if it was poop or candy. I checked both butts which were clean which meant

a) it had been there awhile from one of them and nobody noticed
b) it was the dog's

Sidebar #6: I can't handle animal pee/poop/barf. That is ALWAYS Rich's job because I gag and barf and just the thought of it makes me want to ralph right now. Kid barf/pee/poop, no problem. 

I sniffed the mystery nugget and sure as shit, it was shit. Since I didn't know who it belonged to I gagged LOUDLY trying not to barf. I scared the shit out of the kids because when I gag over animal droppings it's loud and scary and dramatic for all. 

Rich was at work so I had two choices: 
a) clean it myself
b) bring the kids upstairs and pretend it wasn't there

Well, Rich was being nice all week so I thought I'd clean up the tiny turd myself. Also, I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep or eat or do pretty much anything without thinking about that poo. I grabbed basically the entire wad of paper towels and loudly gagged my way through approaching the scary feces. 

Just then.......

the dog ran up and ate it.

I kid you not, I threw up EVERYWHERE all over their playroom. Exorcist style. The kids saw me basically having a seizure over my throwing up and loud gagging so they ran upstairs crying. 

Rich came home and both kids were scream crying from fear and I came up the stairs panting, crying from barfing so hard, makeup all over my face, and I threw up at the top of the stairs right at his feet. 

He thought the entire thing was hysterical. 



10 comments

  1. The only time I ever comment on anything is if it literally makes me laugh out loud, which is rare, and that last story got me. So great.

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    1. Thanks Stacy! It's still one of those "you'll laugh later" events for me. Still gagging...

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  2. Okay, sorry about the poop, but I laughed out loud...this was hilarious just read it...poop is gross. the worst when the poop in the tub, then you have to disinfect anything and everything in the bathtub, all of the toys, etc, ugh!

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    1. I hate everything poop related. But when it comes from an animal, which to this day, I still don't know where it came from --- means I will uncontrollably gag and ralph. I hate cleaning baby poop when it comes from some place other than a diaper or butt (tub, sheets, carpet, etc.)

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  3. I swear I laughed so hard at that poop story! And threw up in my mouth also a little ;-s
    oh and I have tons of underwear for my kids for the very same reason-- especially when potty training- ick!

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    1. Sorry for the barf in the mouth! Yes, potty training is a total B so I have more than enough pairs of undies as well as spare towels. She's been potty trained for quite a few months now but accidents still happen. UGH

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  4. Omg, this post literally had me laughing out loud and feeling bad for you at the same time!! I LOVE how real you are! Freaking hilarious!!
    I also blogged about 10 things this Tuesday if you want to head on over to my blog and show some love! Happy Tuesday!
    https://sheridanjohnson.com/2016/05/03/10-things-i-dislike/

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    1. Absolutely I'll come check you out now. Thank you for the kind words MWAH!

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  5. Oh my gosh--that poop story is hysterical. I had a horrible dog poop situation last fall. It was a beautiful day so I was spending some time in the yard with my then 10 month old daughter. Before we settled into play, I did a sweep of the yard to make sure there was no dog poop a seemingly easy task as the dog has only one spot where she likes to accomplish her business which was nowhere near our play area. So my survey of the play area was admittedly cursory. Miss J was of course deep into "put everything in her mouth stage"--you see where this is going...As I was smugly basking in the glory of how great my life is as I was lounging in my yard with my adorable daughter on a glorious fall day instead of holed up in an office crunching numbers, I glanced over at my daughter and my reverie was instantly shattered as she was carefully holding a gigantic dog turd and was bringing it toward her mouth! Although she did know the meaning of the word 'no' her obedience to it was very hit or miss. So I had no options--I had to grab said turd with my bare hand in order to avoid her eating it. It was the single most horrible moment of my adult life. I spent the rest of the afternoon holed up in my bathroom crying and scrubbing my hand raw under scalding water! Liz @familyoffoley.wordpress.com

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    1. You just made me laugh snot onto my laptop.

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