Bird is the word

Papa ooma mow mow, papa ooma mow mow

Now that song's stuck in your head for the rest of the day. You're welcome.

I've reluctantly become the foster mom to 3 little birds. The mom either died, or ran off to Phoenix with a guy she met in a BP parking lot. The latter seems most logical. So this bird made a "nest" on my front porch. I say nest with quotes because instead of building a nest with sticks and leaves and shit, this lazy ass bird just laid her eggs in my hanging flower pot. 


I hate birds. Hate 'em. Terrified of them. BUT! I'm not a total dick so I stopped watering that planter and let her raise her kids in a dead Home Depot flower pot for $15. 

Before mom ran off I kept forgetting about the birds, even though every single morning when I opened the front door to get the newspaper she'd fly away startling me and causing my first words of each day to be "shit!" 

We realized we hadn't seen her in forever and the eggs hatched.

These 3 little bastards (in the most literal sense) are hungry and from 4th grade biology I remembered that mom birds barf earth worms into their mouths. Since I'm not too keen on worms for lunch do you think fettuccine would be just as delicious?

Do I add chicken for protein?

Do birds like alfredo sauce as much as I do?

I kid. I kid. I would never throw fettuccine Alfredo up.

But in all honesty, do I have to teach them to fly? I'm sure my neighbors don't want to see me running through my front yard in ill-fitting Mossimo capris squaking while flapping my arms. When do these little chirps leave the "nest" or "dead flower plant"?

I never signed up for this.






Update/Edit: Obviously I never tried feeding them and I have a friend who is a vet and a friend who is a zoologist so I left them alone after asking them for advice. This blog is obviously sarcastic. All 3 birds are now long gone and I never barfed in anyone's mouth. I have, however, ran through my yard like an idiot for my neighbors' "enjoyment". 

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