Mondays Are Fun Again!

It's been long awaited. By me at least. Nick is the bachelor and I'm so happy we have an interesting bachelor/ette again. Sure Luke is hot but how boring would that season be? 

Let's watch together, shall we? 

Nick reminds us that he is indeed endearing and adorable with all his flaws like mumbling, covering his mouth when he talks, and not making eye contact. 

Reminds me of... well, me. Eye contact is terrifying. 

We saw how he was runner up with both Andi and Kaitlyn and had his heart broken on live tv-twice. Now he doesn't seem like a villain and seems more like one of those cold, sad, shaking dogs on those Sarah McLachlan commercials that you want to adopt and take home and cuddle. 

^^^ I didn't even edit that. If you google ASPCA commercials, that pops right up. Dying of a broken heart. I'll be right back. Gotta go adopt Blondie. 

No-brows, Farmer Giggles, and Peter Brady met with Nick to give him advice on his season. I think Sean may be the only one to give good advice. He's the only married-family-man of the bunch. Don't even get me started on how terrible and fake Ben and Lauren's spin off show was. Who do I need to send a strongly worded email to about getting Kaitlyn and Shawn their own show? 

First we got to know super normal girls, Michelle the lawyer, and then: 

HairGoals. If you're a new recapper here you should know I rename most contestants as we get to know them. 

Up next who I think will take it all is Vanessa. Or, Perfection. 

She speaks English, French, and Italian and is a special needs teacher. The winner this season? MeThinksSo

We then get the privilege to meet Josephine. Or as I like to call her, EyeRolls. Because I can't help but roll my eyes when she's on my screen. 

She's a nursing student 

She wears glasses when she's in her uniform because she's SUPER SMART GUYS. She then talks about freaking out over Nick and then talks to seals (not navy seals, actual seals that live in the sea) about whether he's the right guy. After meowing to her cat for a solid 10 seconds. 

Remember in my bachelor drinking game when I talked about a contestant who gave REALLY stupid answers, specifically the fruit question.... this is her. 

We then meet Corinne. She lives in Miami and "owns a business". Her parents actually own the business and she lives with them and I'm sure they just give her a task to do to feel important. She says Corinne's world is "glamorous" and she considers herself a "very serious business owner". 
Oh.... and she has a NANNY! No no no, she doesn't have children of her own. Her nanny is for her. 
This earns her the title:  SheChild. I'm calling it now, she's definitely the bitch. 

Up next is Alexis. Who I love. She's weird and those are my kind of people. I was watching the show with friends and almost immediately one of my friends said, "that's you, Teri"

Falling off a playground

Falling off a hammock wearing a sumo costume. 

When she meets Nick she shows up wearing a "dolphin" costume which is actually a shark costume but she's sure it's a dolphin. She gives no f*$^ and didn't care that the girls were making fun of her at the house. 

Danielle M is next who Rich picked to win it all. She's 5'10", beautiful, sweet, and has my dream job: she's a neonatal nurse. 

She's perfection. She's our new Becca. Sweet and southern. I think she may be too nice for Nick. I'm going start making my "Danielle M for Bachelorette" buttons now. 

Liz the Doula met Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. She was the maid of honor and oh-so-subtly (note the sarcasm) said they hooked up that night. 

Limo time

I'll skip the normals and just talk about the stand-outers. We don't watch this show for the normal level headed contestants. Give us the conductors of the crazy trains.

Quick recap of what 90% of the girls said:
- "I'm so glad it's you"
- "See you inside"
- "So nervous" 
- "4th times the charm" 

This one came out holding a fan in front of her mug and waved her arm twice before throwing the fan on the ground. "How crazy do you think I am right now?" she asked Nick. 
Watch out guys! We have a crazy one. 
I think she misread what I said above. I want drunk-crazy, mean-crazy, bitchy-crazy. Not waving-your-arm-with-a-fan "crazy".
Lame. Moving on.

Taylor told Nick that all her friends said "he's a complete piece of shit" 
Nick responded with ".....okay"
Then there was awkward silence and shrugging and she went inside.
Great first impression there, Taylor! 

Lauren and Nick have an unfortunate coincidence: they both have terrible last names. Nick Viall and her last name is Hussie. She said together they were a disgusting slut
Do I smell a wedding hashtag for them??? 

Rather than coming out of a limo, Sarah ran to Nick in sneakers because.... runner up. We get it. He lost twice. This was actually pretty clever because now she doesn't have to wear heels all night. If I was in shape like her I'd so do this but since I'm not I'd probably charge at him like a buffalo huffing and puffing pausing to breathe with my hands on my knees halfway through the driveway. 

One gal brought Neil Lane the diamond guy

I should say the Producers brought Neil Lane and she was the lucky (crazy?) one to present him to a stunned Nick. 

That awkward moment when someone you porked at a wedding comes out of one of the limos but you're not quite sure you remember her: 

God that was cringe-worthy. 

After she went inside Nick stood there dumbfounded looking around wondering just how he knew her. 

Adorable Danielle M came out later with a homemade gift, maple syrup. Can she get any cuter? 

She fed Nick and the poor thing was shaking like a leaf.

This one. Ugh.

She said Nick had balls and wanted to show him hers. She dug around her boogers to expose a nose ring. 

But not quite as awkward as EyeRolls meeting Nick and asking if he wanted to "Lady and the Tramp" a hot dog with her.

Dear Nick, please keep this hot dog eating, meowing, basket case around for a long time.
Love, Everyone who watches this show. 
When she's eventually booted from this show I know we'll see her on Bachelor In Paradise. 

Everyone in the house was whining that everyone was wearing a red dress and now they won't stand out. 

The shark/dolphin costume doesn't seem so bad now does it? 

Another lady in red showed up riding on a camel. 
Her to Nick: I heard you like a good hump. And so do I. 

Out came crazy town, and I say that in a loving way: 

She said she dolphinately can't wait to get to know him. I knew we'd be insta-friends because I knew right away that was a Kroll Show reference. 

She drank, danced, and eh eh eh eh eh eh-ed through the night. My people. 

She'll be joining EyeRolls for the next Bachelor In Paradise for sure.

You know the drill for the next half hour. The women talk about each other, the steal him from each other. They stare at the first impression rose. Same old. Corrine, or SheChild, gets more than enough time with him and steals him from Vanessa to make out with him. 

Like, middle school make out. Sloppy and obnoxious. Then her nanny came out of the bushes and made them sandwiches. 

The women kept fighting for Nick's time and joined packs to hunt him down

Not even an hour into the show and we got our first cryer: 

You've known him for 20 minutes girl, pull yourself together. 
While dolphin shark got drunk and cursed. 

and went swimming

Liz and Nick had a sit down together and he did indeed remember her. Or the producers reminded him to remember so he wouldn't look like a jackass.

It got awkward, fast. She said it wasn't until after watching BIP that she saw a new him. The problem is, BIP was AFTER they hooked up. Nick quickly responded with "what wait?...." before they were interrupted. 

The very coveted first impression rose went to Rachel, the lawyer from Texas. 

She seems normal so I approve. Good job Nick. (Because I just know deep down inside he reads this little ol' blog to check for my opinion)

Up next was the world's longest rose ceremony. Though I know I've said that before, about just about every rose ceremony. Dolphin Shark got a rose 

Nick said she made him laugh all night but her costume is actually a shark. 
She then slurred "I'm..... a dolphin..." 
Not making any of this up. 

The final rose went to OneNightStand. That means we lost 5-ish or so girls that we won't ever remember. They said goodbye to their 15 minutes of fame Nick and the girls never to be heard from again. 

Get ready Bachelor Nation! This looks like it'll be a good one!

1 comment

  1. Calling Ben Peter Brady just made my day! I always wondered who he reminded me of... and him and Lauren's spin off show... *ugh*. It was awful! I really liked him until he did that show, was never a big fan of her since she's super boring. But man... I definitely will vote for Kaitlyn and Shawn to get their own show :-D
    Green Fashionista


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